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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Hurting

Well, we found out yesterday that we won't be able to travel to get Little Man until the fall. My heart is breaking! I cried more yesterday than I have in quite some time. I *thought* I would be fine...I told everyone I would be fine. But I was so wrong! I thought just having a concrete NO (or rather, not yet) would give me peace. It just leaves me with a hole in my heart...a hole that only Little Man will be able to fill. It might not seem like much to all of you...I have been waiting almost 10 years to adopt, so 4 more months shouldn't matter too much, right? But his birthday is in August. I thought I would have my sweet boy with me to celebrate his 6th birthday. But now, I have to know that August will come and go and I will still be here and he will still be there. He will have another birthday without his forever Mommy to make the day all about him. He will have another birthday without his forever Daddy making him prince of the day. I haven't been able to control myself...he has clothes hanging in his closet. Granted, it's not a ton (and I'm not even sure if they would fit him), but they are there. His bed is set up and his new trucks themed quilts are on. I would give anything to be able to go see him...even if it was only a couple of days. The pics I have of him are 2 years old. I know he has changed so much, and I just want to see his face. Please pray that I start accepting this. I really don't have a choice since I can't do anything about it...but I really need this brick lifted off my chest!

6 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm so sorry! i wish there was something I could do or say to ease the pain. I pray that the next four months fly by!!

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  2. oh honey, I'm sorry! That STINKS.

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  3. My heart goes out to you. I do understand. Our process has taken over 16 months from the date of committing. I thought they would be home by Christmas, then Feb, then March... and so on. Now, I am finally there and bringing them home the end of June. But oh how it hurt as each month came and went and still my little ones waited....

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  4. Reality can be so painful sometimes. I really hated to read this, and I hurt for you. I pray that God will bring things into your life over the next few months to help pass the time, and that you'll soon have that beautiful blonde-headed boy in your arms forever.

    Jenn

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  5. I am so so sorry. I would be crying a lot too. I know how you are feeling because we feared we would be in the same position a month ago. To us, 4 more months is a LONG time and it is completely understandable that you feel that way you do. I wish I could go see him for you. Maybe you could ask if that is a possibility? I have no idea how it works since he is not at the orphanage. Let me know. Big hugs.

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  6. Oh Melissa--do not fret! I know this is so hard--been there done that! But God truly does have a plan here--and frankly--there is more preparation to be done for him and for you. You don't know all of what that is for him--but I'm sure you know what it is for you. I remember these days for us--and the only thing that kept me sane was that we had so much to do--not just paperwork, but preparing our "home" (meaning not the building but the family, our marriage, our life in general) for him to come home. It always seemed as if I had everything down--but then when we'd have a set-back--I could clearly see there was more work to do. The timing ended up perfect--and we discovered why once we brought her home. So--I know this is so very hard--but trust me when I tell you--it is all in His perfect plan. Keep your spirits up--and your head down and press on. He WILL be home--you know that for sure--take solice in that.

    AND--just as I know the ups and downs--I will tell you there is always HOPE something will change. If there is anything for sure in this adoption journey--it's not set in stone. Anything can happen--so don't let anyone or anything take your hope away--it cold happen sooner. I have a verse from a poem I love and try to live by, "It's better to hope than to expect. For in hoping we invite surprise, in expecting we only invite disappointment." :)

    And OLD pictures--our daughter was 26 months old when we were referred to her--we didn't get an update on her until a week before. All we had was a few photos from when she was 14 months old. I fell in love with that little girl--so when we finally got pictures of her--I didn't recognize her! It was a scarey feeling to see this little girl that didn't even resemble the girl I had emblazzoned in my head. I so pray you get updated photos soon. Is there a care package service in his country you can use to get an update on him? There are a few of these in China--and they are a huge blessing. You have to pay a fee--but they will contact the orphanage and get an update, deliver a package of stuff (including a photo album of your pictures so he can get to know his forever family) and get you some pictures. Our agency also does this for us.

    Hang in there--this is so hard--truly it is as hard as labor in giving birth. Our hearts ache for them!

    God Bless!

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