Saturday, October 16, 2010
I was beginning to think
I wasn't going to put this on here...I'm not sure it will make sense. I was beginning to think I was pregnant. I have been nauseous every evening (early morning 2-4am) for almost a month. I am fine the rest of the day. I have been SOOOOO tired!! I can sleep for 8 hours and wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all...I can take a nap in the afternoon (an hour) and not have any issues going to sleep at night. I cry at the drop of a hat! (That's not too abnormal, but it seems more than usual) Um, certain areas of my body are VERY sore! I can't seem to get my brain to focus on anything. I haven't missed my time, but with my luck...if I ever did get pregnant, I would be one of those that had bleeding every month or so. I knew I wasn't pregnant. I have a couple anatomical abnormalities that make getting pregnant (the normal way) VERY unlikely. But, I took a test today anyway. Why is it that even though I knew in my brain that I wasn't...why did it break my heart when the test was negative? Why is it that I can grieve not having a bio baby when I thought I had gotten past that years ago? Why should it upset me because with our travel date being just 4 weeks away...getting pregnant now probably wouldn't be the "best time"? Why can't I just be content with knowing that we are going to get our son and understand that a baby might be too much too quick? Why? Why? Why?