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Sunday, November 28, 2010

No want

**I wrote this post when we were in Serbia and I felt so down. That's why I didn't post for a while. I was just in a funk and didn't want to share my negativity! But, I think it might be important for others to read about someone who didn't find the whole experience to be Heavenly.


This is what Vladan says several times a day...of course it is in Serbia. Everyone at the foster home and his social worker thought it was hilarious when he would say it. I DO NOT! Because he will say it when I tell him to move away from the TV (it's a large screen TV in the apartment and he tries to get about 6 inches from it). He says it when I tell him to eat his food and not try to get ours. He says it when I ask him to play legos with me. And the list goes on and on.....he only wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I guess that's typical 6 year old behavior, but I am tired and am not dealing well with it.

Tonight, I went searching for a blog that expressed what I am feeling right now. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining.....I am just, well, I'm not sure what I am. I don't feel like myself and that is confusing. I don't want to tell anyone this for fear of them judging me. I don't want my family to worry. I just wish someone else felt like I do.....or would write it down so I don't feel so alone. I know it takes time to get to know each other. I know that he is just testing us right now because he has never been made to mind. I know that we have only had him for 9 days and he has 6 years of bad habits to unlearn. I know all of this...with my HEAD. It's my heart that can't comprehend. I should love this child to the end of the earth. He is what I longed for for so long. I should be willing to overlook some of his bad behaviors and....all the "I shoulds" that are out there. But right now, all I want to do is come home. I don't feel like I've made a mistake coming here. I am just....well, Mama no want to feel this way anymore!

4 comments:

  1. Have you signed up for the RR after the rainbow group. I think you will find MANY who share your struggle. It is a very safe and loving place to post and share what you are going through - good, bad and ugly!

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  2. I want you to go read my friend Ellen's blog, particularly back in December of last year. Better yet, I'm going to go get her and let her comment herself! Axel and I have been together in a hotel for 8 days, then last night finally to a very nice apartment. (Not the same one you were in though. ;0) We will be here until Tuesday and hopefully Tuesday night we'll be on a plane!

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  3. Oh, yes... I know exactly where you are coming from and we haven't even got our girl yet (visiting her daily at the orphanage, waiting for court next Monday). She shakes her head "no" and squeals at anything she doesn't want to do. When I try to get her to say pazhalusta (please) or even say it for her, she shakes her head. Normal behavior for a little one who is used to getting her way, but that won't work when she is at home. There will be days of progress and days of regression - hang in there!

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  4. Leah sent me to your blog because well, she knows this is how I felt (and still feel sometimes!)
    Adoption is hard, and it is so easy to get caught up in the fairytale of adoption (and they lived happily ever after) Bu at the end of the day,all you can think of is, "What did I just do!"
    And you are right, knowing it in your head is not the same as living it. We all know it will be hard, and we prepare. But there is nothing like really having to go through the pain, the questioning, and dealing with behaviors.
    I have tried to be honest on my blog. Funny, as I read back to when we first came home, I was wanting to be honest but kept trying to convince myself that I had some love for NIna deep down. It took many months for me to feel any love for her, many, many months. Eveb now, after a year. love is a choice. I have to choose love every day, it has not come naturally, it has been hard. However, after a year, I can tell you, it has been worth it!
    And Nina rejected me big time, that did not help us very much at the beginning.
    You are not alone!
    I would love to talk to you!
    ellenpdazo at hotmail dot com

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