This post of for those of you that haven't been there...the ones who haven't "done that." I hope it makes you understand just a little bit of my heart.
The pain I'm talking about doesn't really have to do with adoption, but at the same time has EVERYTHING to do with adoption. It isn't about the pain one experiences when they are going through the seemingly non-ending paperwork process. It's also not the pain of waiting, once everything is done, to get your travel date. Or the process in country (although that is a whole other post I've been trying to compose). It's not even the pain of parenting an older child. (Luckily, our experience has been very mild compared to some)
This pain is all consuming. It is caused by the knowledge of all the children who are left behind. It is caused when we know that we want to adopt again but can't get peace about any specific child. It is the haunting eyes I see in my sleep begging me to choose them. When we were at the orphanage, child after child came up to us and raised their arms to us. They weren't just begging to be picked up...they were begging to belong to someone. They didn't know us, but they wanted us to take them away. And this orphanage was one of the good ones! The ladies who work there truly care for the kids. They have doctors on staff that work with the children for physical therapy. They are given good nutritious food. But no matter how good an orphanage is....it is in no way a good substitute for a family.
I know that I should be satisfied with our son...and in one way I am! He is amazing and so smart! He amazes us everyday with what he has learned and how much he loves to learn. When he snuggles in my lap and rests his head on my shoulder....my heart melts. But at the same time, we know that we have more room...more love....more of everything. And we know that our family isn't complete. Vlado NEEDS a sibling. But I know that we have to wait until God reveals to us who our next child is. I don't want to force the issue. I want my heart to leap like it did when I first saw Vlado's picture in July 2008. I want to know in my heart....THAT IS MY CHILD! Please, God.....show me quickly!